The last diary I remember was from February. I can't remember what happened in between, but I remember that I had just bought a new notebook and wrote a 3,000-word "composition" that night. There wasn't really anything important to remember, mainly just reviewing what happened that day and reflecting on myself.
Today was overall not bad because I only slept at around three in the morning last night, so I took a half-day off in bed and only went to work in the afternoon. This means that I only have one and a half days of vacation left this month, and I still need to work for two more days to get a week of rest for annual leave. Originally, I planned to use my year-end bonus to buy a new phone for my dad, but I didn't expect that I still haven't achieved it this year. Actually, if I wanted to go home for Chinese New Year, I could, but it seems that not going back would save my dad from embarrassment. It's been almost four years since I graduated and I haven't saved a penny, but I owe the platform tens of thousands of dollars. Damn it, why can't I control myself? I could have just finished work and gone to the supermarket to buy groceries and cook for myself, but I had to order takeout. I can't even take care of myself all year round, and I still hypocritically say that I want to buy things for my father. If you can't do it, you shouldn't say it. I'm such a failure.
If my mother had given birth to that child in the first place, I think he would definitely be much better than me. Maybe he would have brought my grandparents to the city a long time ago, and his personality would definitely be cheerful, with many friends for sure.
My current thoughts are not good, too negative. But it feels familiar, probably because whenever I'm alone, I return to this state. My girlfriend went back to her hometown yesterday. We've been together for over two years, I don't know what our current status is. Relationships are like the sun, slowly setting, causing conflicting and tangled emotions. Fortunately, no matter how many times the sun sets, it always rises the next day. I am aware of my character flaws, unable to approach intimate relationships as calmly as others. In the two years we've been together, the number of times we've gone out together is few and far between, mostly because of me. I always feel uncomfortable when I go out with my girlfriend, and later she noticed my state. Although she didn't say it directly, since then she no longer expects to go anywhere with me. When she goes out, she goes with her friends, while I stay at home alone. It feels like: you like being alone, right? Then just keep being alone.
Because we rarely go out together, even after being together for over two years, it doesn't feel as close as other couples in just one month. If we were to get married now, I think we would both say in unison: it's not the right time yet...
We have very few shared experiences, every day is just about money and daily necessities. So I feel that the relationship between cohabiting men and women, once they separate and look for new partners, is no different from a second marriage. It's just missing a red certificate...
Also, my girlfriend's parents probably don't know about my existence, which is very understandable. My girlfriend doesn't tell them because she knows that I don't meet her parents' requirements. I tried to put myself in my girlfriend's parents' shoes, and I wouldn't want my daughter to find a guy like me.
This piece is very melodramatic, if anyone really reads it, please pretend you didn't see it.
The universal medicine I made can solve all the troubles in life, no matter what it is; the name of this medicine is - Escape.
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